So the few of you that actually read my blog may have noticed that I've been away from the blog for a while now, and it's not because I've been overloaded with work of juggling a busy schedule, the painful yet apparent reality is that I've had a terrible relapse with my depression. Now this is not something I've mentioned on the blog because it's a bit of an escape for me and originally I wanted my blog to be completely fashion and style related but I am one of those people who wants to raise awareness of mental illness and stamp out the stigma. I guess I should embrace this as a platform to do so. I believe it is an incredibly complex and sensitive subject, so I will do my best to encapsulate everything as articulately as possible.
As far as I'm aware, I've been suffering with depression and anxiety for about 5 years now. Like most people, I was completely un-aware that there was actually anything wrong with me. As time passed, I went out a lot less, I ate a lot more, I formed many-a bad habit. From my personal experience, once you're captured by the wrath of depression, it is immensely difficult to break free. For a good few years, I never believed there was any harm in (what I eventually realised was) my really unhelpful behaviours and habits associated with the anxiety and depression. At the start my unhappiness was hugely based upon my weight- like many women- and my grades, as I was studying for exams at the time. My last few years of school finished as I was 16 and although I did pretty darn well academically, I was metaphorically left with a very bitter taste in my mouth. I realised that although I had finished school, I was still incredibly unfulfilled and empty inside. I can't even remember the specifics that far back, these past years have more or less been a complete blur to me, but I think I went to see the doctor and he brushed it off as 'low mood'.
I began college, continuing to believe that there was nothing wrong with me, perhaps just socially awkward and a bit sad sometimes, but I had no clue I was about to embark upon an utterly draining, de-moralising and painful few years to say the least. College was torture for me I went there knowing no-one and although people wanted to know me and spend time with me, I was completely un-capable of partaking in any kind of social situation, I pushed people away for years- both friends and strangers. I can't remember the amount of times I ate my lunch in the toilet cubicle or sat alone for hours waiting for my next class. If I'm not mistaken, the summer after my first year of college is where the counselling began, as well as the suicidal thoughts, the self-harm followed by the medication and referral upon referral to mental health specialists. I found the second year of college completely overwhelming and only attended about 30% of the year. I simply could not face it. I'd spend days on end in bed, just eating, sleeping, maybe shed the occasional tear and starred at my bedroom wall- emotionally, there was nothing there, and I think that's what depression can be- a constant state of emotional paralysation. I was still very much consumed by my appearance and gain of weight. I was incapable of taking any kind of action towards looking at plans for the future like University etc. because it was un-comprehendable for me at the time. It still is to this day and I continue to pluck up the courage every day to take action for my future, but on so many of these days, I wrongly let my illness hold me back.
So college finished, I came out with great grades considering my attendance and I began my gap year. The depression held me back from finding a job and making a CV for a few months, but being the person I am, I could not sit on my ass doing nothing, not only because I knew it was bad for my mental state but because I like being busy- It's in my character. I found a full time job, which kept my depression at bay for a while, even though I fought my demons every morning. I loved being able to earn my own money and it meant that I was constantly interacting in social situations which was excellent for me, I faced a lot of challenges but learnt to overcome most, I had bad days but I was doing well and proving so many people wrong. I began feeling happy in myself and my appearance for the first time in my life. 7 months later, I was no longer happy there and I truly wanted to focus on my career in the fashion industry. Now, I've left my job and have found myself in a tricky situation.
All this time the depression was still there, perhaps whispering instead of shouting, the suicidal thoughts have been pretty constant over these past 4 years because I guess once you have been that low and dragged along rock bottom for so long, it's incredibly difficult to pick yourself back up. I'm not saying I never laugh and never have good days because I do. I smile often, I dress well, I'm polite and kind-hearted and that, I believe, is what makes it so incredibly difficult for people to acknowledge that I have severe depression. I don't know what the hell I was expecting from life, it certainly wasn't this, maybe I watched far too many Disney films. One day I may find the cause of all this, maybe it was the bullying at school that I didn't think affected me but it has in fact given me massive self-confidence issues or maybe it was the perfect image of how my life was supposed to be in my head that fucked me up the most. At the moment I don't have a job to focus on as I did before, but I've made some positive choices in the mess of the past month. This morning I decided to go for a run for the first time in about 5 years, not to loose weight or anything but because it's a mental challenge for me. I felt incredible that I had left the house, faced so many demons and was somewhat productive with my day. I'm writing this post on a 'good' day because on the bad, I can't even get out of bed or brush my teeth- that's the reality of how consuming depression is. This is a super brief overview of my experience with depression because I could literally write a book, but I want it to be easy and relatable for people to read.
On that note I will draw the curtain however, I will offer a few pieces of advice for the 1 in 4 of you that are going through hell everyday with your mental health, as I am. I don't believe myself to be any kind of guru at all- god no! However, I've learnt a lot so I will go ahead and share;
1. So many people don't get it. Truth is, unless you've had it, you never really will. I guess we must make it our job to educate the world and break the stigma instead of allowing others' ignorance to bring us down further.
2. I've been low, I've been high. I've seen so many doctors, nurses and councillors and none have helped me- that doesn't mean they can't help you. At the end of the day, if we want to change we must get up off our asses and decide we won't have another bad day, as I did today.
3. If you take anti-depressants (that is a personal choice. they help some, not others), as I do, you must keep it constant. I'm guilty of missing days at a time and my mood and hormones go completely irrational and it makes your situation a thousand times worse.
4. We have to help ourselves right? Self harming is not helpful in any way, shape or form. It's so complex to understand, I know this because I cut myself a few weeks ago after over a year of not harming myself. Try to re-direct your anger and pain of that moment somewhere else, I don't know where, I will never say 'take a walk'. I cannot bear the phrase. You know what it is that makes you feel better, you know what you enjoy and if you don't, find something that you can pour your heart into like painting or collecting butterflies! I don't know what the hell people do these days...
5. You are so incredibly worth it and you are as deserving as anyone else to be here on this weird old planet. You must hang on in there, for yourself but for all those others that have no voice. Your good days will be so good. We can't let the illines win, this includes bi-polar disease and anxiety etc. because we are here to fight it.
That concludes my little summary of depression, I will probably end up reading my own advice on the bad days, because often I think we just need reminding and need a voice of reason amongst the chaos of our thoughts. I hope this helps in some way because I've had little guidance and advice that was helpful, so here it is first hand.
Sending much love to you all.
Peace!
